Monday, January 15, 2007

Spurts Prugnusticatiun

I don't want to come right out and say who I think will be in the Super Bowl, but I will go ahead and predict that both teams will come from places that begin with the word "New."

To save Mr. Insert Namehere a couple seconds: "Yeah, good thing you didn't come right out and predict that."

By the way, have you ever noticed that most prognosticators have names with the letter "K" in them? Kreskin. Skilling. Warwick. Hm.


Anonymous said...

Hey we're in agreeance. I, too, don't want to come right out and say who will win the superbowl.

But I will come right out and mock anybody who watches it, cares about it or even capitalizes it, with or without "irony." Or irony, for that matter.

Why so bitter Mr Shatfelt? Well, because for much of this year's athletical season, I've had to listen to the douchebagging douchebags from corporate finance in the cubiholes next to mine raise their voices several notches to talk about their weekend sports picks. So we all can hear what menny men they are, especially the women.

It's not much different than any of my other experiences with pro sports fans, although you people do show an amazing variety of flavors to annoy the piss out of a guy trying to do his job day after day, with earplugs and a set of airline ear muffs on his head.

The one bag of douche who sits closest to me always uses the first person singular to describe the game from "his" team's point of view. Such as "well I could have gone for first down but I figured a 32 yarder was do-able. Thank god for that 70 yard return I had. That set me up to crush them. There was no way I was turning back after that." Pretty much your average quote out of that idiot.(Who by the way is responsible for the budgets of a division of about 3,000 employees, once 3300, soon to be 2500, due to his bean counting and play-acting a businessman 35 hours a week.)

Taking a page out of the colicky baby's playbook, I won't say how completely embarrassing and disgusting this idiot is, like statistially all sports fans, and what I'd like yell into his overcompensating face after pushing over the cube wall.

Instead, I think this excerpt from an average sports blog message board ( ) will suffice to describe how I feel about these fools I'm subjected to:

"You f$ck. If your impotent ass even has a wife, I hope she dies. I hope your children die. We hate you m$therf$cker! Die you idiotic f$ck!!!!!!! You have no f$cking clue what you speak of you motherf$cker!!!"

"You have an extreme homosexual attraction to Coach Saban. Did a bird sh$t you on a fence post and the sun hatched you, is that how you got in this world, are the better half ran down your mothers leg when your father blew it? Your slick dude, like snott on a door-knob. You and that misserable f$ck Collin Cowhert, I bet you 2 blow each other all the time. Why dont you come back to Alabama so we can cutt your nutts off. I wouldnt give you the sweat off my balls if you were dying of thirst cock-roach. F$ck you and the boat you floated in on................. "

Ah the noble common man and his inspiring enthusiasm for sport! Finally, something all of us can talk about, even in awkward social situations, the universal touchstone: humanity at its most savage and retarded!

Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss said...

Hey, I was just trying to roundaboutly predict failure for the Bears, because it amuses me to imagine the widespread and enveloping disappointment in the Chicago, but I can crimpithize with yer dyspepsia.

At least your town only has a big-league basketball team ... although rumors are happening that the Florida (baseball) Marlins might move out there soon, so I look forward to future head-slapping peals of anguish, because yer a funny guy when yer angry. Not that you are an angry guy at all. No way! I never fear wrathful reactions from saying the wrong thing to you. Hah!

Oh boy I'm in trubba now.

In other news, Go Beavers!

Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss said...

That was a pretty good example of a typical sports board comment ... although I have to say that it was more or less applicable to pretty much every comment-taking forum on the Internet, whether related to sports, politics, knitting, or the Children's Television Workshop. The Internet is an awful, awful place. I believe that teh archives of Mr. Rogers's blog comments would reveal that most of them consisted of "RTFM, n00b!!!" followed by graphic descriptions of the colo-rectal cancers he wished upon the subjects of his ire. Then he signed off by saying, "I h8 u just for be1ng u! A$$tard!!!"

But I digress. Sports fans are bad enough in the real world, but if you put them in the Series of Tubes, the hyperbolic impotent rage levels exceed descriptability.

Anonymous said...

>applicable to pretty much
>every comment-taking
>forum on the Internet,
>whether related to
>sports, politics,
>knitting, or the
>Children's Television

Touche', my friend... touche'. Or as teh kids would text it, 2sha.

Although I think you will find ironical civility and kindness in the newsgroup

As for the spurts in my town of Porkland, we may not even have a pro b-ball team much longer. That franchise ballclub organization is losing money like a drunken sailor, and if there is one thing Paul Allen won't tolerate for long, it's losing money. Unless Eric Clapton is somehow involved.