Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Well, duh

What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

The Midland
The Northeast
The South
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have?
Take More Quizzes

Yes, I come from the portion of the country where they pronounce things correctly. Well ... except that many of us say "ruff" for "roof," which kind of bugs me for some reason. And I absolutely refuse to pronounce "Chicago" as "ShuhCAWgo" -- because there simply is no fucking way you can get that vowel sound out of a mere "a," and I don't give a shit who disagrees.

Also -- hey, quiz-making asshole or assholes, I gotta quesshun fer you (or youse). Why the fuck would I be annoyed to be asked whether I come from Wisconsin or Chicago? You gotta prahblim wit eeder a doze fine playsiz? Whyncha come over by here and say dat?

I AM from Chicago, ya knockwad! And I grew up 5 miles from da Wiscahhhnsin border! Ya jerk.

There, I feel better. A little unwarranted hostility is pleasant during periods of writer's blecch (see immediately previous post).

Writer's Blecch

I would do a post about having writer's block, because I currently have a pretty severe case of it, but I think that's kind of technically impossible.

Plus, one is wrapped up in "building" a new "product" for one's real job, and that's consuming most of one's word-manipulation capacities at this time.

In the meanwhile, Chicago sports fans, enjoy a new-ish web comic strip by the creator of "Palehose Six," Carl Skanberg:

Smells Like Mascot

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I might be a Swedish redneck, cuz the nut don't fall far from the tree, ja, sure

What my moms wrote today:


Your dad made reservations for Julmiddag, and I sent the money today. Don't forget -- Dec. 10 - 3 p.m. at Chevy Chase. (o: Probably won't have any lutefisk, though. A lot of the old Swedes were complaining about that last year. Also -- gasp! -- no glogg! Speaking of which, your dad says there's a whole bottle in the gun safe. Between that and the pear wine, we can get snockered tomorrow!



Sunday, November 19, 2006

"If I Didn't Do It (And I Didn't) Here's How I Didn't Do It," by Axl Rose as not told to Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss

After nearly ten years of promising that the album "Chinese Democracy" is just about to be released, Axl Rose has become the preeminent master of making a career out of not getting stuff done. And after the recent cancellation of a Guns 'N' Roses show due to safety officials' concern about the proximity of stage pyrotechnics to the band's firewater, Axl has begun plowing new fertile ground in the rich earth of celebrity inactivity.

Now, hot on the heels of much media hype for O.J. Simpson's new book, "If I Did It, Here's How I Did It (Psst, I Totally Did It)," offered here as a CBRAT exclusive are some excerpts from the ultimate "Where's Chinese Democracy?" story, "If I Didn't Do It (And I Didn't) Here's How I Didn't Do It," by Axl Rose as not told to Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss, soon not to be published by anyone.

Chapter One

The fire marshals have taken away my booze. This interview is over.

Chapter Two through Chapter Seventeen


Chapter Eighteen

Another day in the studio. Be a good man and pass the heroin.

Chapter Nineteen


Chapter Twenty

Wore out my tenth vinyl copy of Ethel Merman's Greatest Hits looking for vocal inspiration.

Chapter Twenty-One

The dry cleaners lost my favorite bandana. Chinese Dumbasscracy.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Totally stuck. Should there be three "whoa whoa whoa"'s or four in the chorus?

Chapter Twenty-Three

Passed a KFC on the way to the studio. Reminded me of Buckethead. Called off the session.

Chapter Twenty-Four

"Do you know where the fuck you are?!" Long story short, I didn't.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Mind totally blown by realization that my name is an anagram of "Oral Sex."

Chapter Twenty-Six through Chapter Thirty-Three


Chapter Thirty-Four

Slash came over to tell me Billie Joe Armstrong still wets the bed.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Spent the day in the batting cage with Mike Piazza. Failed to learn to lay off the high heat.

Chapter Thirty-Six

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa." No, that's too many. Back to the drawing board.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

The fire marshals have taken away my drawing board. Fuck it. I give up.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

We enter the circle at night and are consumed by fire

I have some sad news to pass on.

Accomplished mail and stamp artist, painter, zine publisher, and friend of mine for over 16 years, John Rininger, died a few days ago at the age of 45.

We collaborated on numerous projects over the years, including the notorious magazine, Even Paranoiacs Can Have Enemies. He taught me most of what I know about zine publishing and introduced me to a lot of interesting people. He also fed me a lot of books that have had a huge impact on me, including the works of Max Stirner, Emil Cioran, and Eric Gill. He could be a very challenging and exasperating guy to deal with, but he was a big part of my life, and I'm going to miss him.

Goodbye, John R.

(The headline of this post is a translation of a Latin palindrome used in one of John's last zines, Catalyst Komics 807, published just a couple months ago.)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I'm in ur browzer, blogging my blog ... but barely

Pardon the lack of new material for the last couple of weeks. I'm gonna make up for that soon. But probably not until after this week is over, because I'm still recovering from my vacation and my brain is extremely tired. By the middle of the weekend, I should have the initial installment(s) of a new multi-part post in the classic "We Had Some Ultimately Non-Fatal Misadventures on the Way to Better Understanding of Oneself Blah Blah Blah, and Here's a Humorous Telling of the Tale" genre. Subject: Super Karaoke Fun Time Band road trip from Jersey City to Philadelphia, Saturday, November 11, 2006.

But that won't be until Friday afternoon, at the earliest. For now, here's a brand spanking new video for the song "Fire Needs Oxygen," co-starring members of the Jersey City Bridge and Pummel women's roller derby league and One O. Ball and a new set of Chains. It's kind of a preview of the upcoming motion picture of the same name, in a not all that really sort of way.

Otis Ball and the New Chains - Fire Needs Oxygen

POSTSCRIPT: Heh heh. I said spanking. Google perverts, strap it on and cinch it up, here! We need to macaca the Sitemeter stats on this thing.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Travel can be broadening ... of the annoyance of me

Just got home from Jersey, after sitting thru a four-hour delay at the Newark Airport for a mystery reason. United Airlines, consider yourself disliked by one very powerful blogger.

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Just a semi-random sprinkling of itemery here, to get some blogging in before I leave on the Great November Jersey City Road Trip, '06 version, this weekend.

Dick Biondi jobful again. Robert Feder of "The Bright One" reports that oldies station doubleyou whatever it is (94.7 FM) has rescued legendary deejay Dick Biondi from Dante's first circle of aging radio talent Gehenna (aka, unemployment) to host a nightime show. Along with their recent hire of John Records "Yeah, I've made a career for 40 years based on pointing out that my real middle name is in fact 'Records'" Landecker, that makes three actual local human beings on that station. The third? Oh come on, it's Scott McKay. You didn't know that? I have more things to say about Scott McKay than Dick Biondi (whose appeal, frankly, I still don't get), so this bullet point is now about him. McKay kind of lost me when he admitted on-air during one of his first shifts for the station that he didn't really know much about, you know, rock music made between roughly 1954 and 1976 ... as in, "oldies" music ... but gee whiz, he was sure game for a college try! It also galled me when he'd say idiotic stuff like, in reference to the Kinks' "Victoria," for example, he said, "Wow, that came out in 1969? I always thought that was much more recent, like 1980 or something." But I guess he's OK. He plays what Scott "I'm the industry genius in New York who tapes and syndicates all the rest of the shifts" Shannon tells him to. At least they have a relatively large playlist, perhaps in an attempt to answer the plea of Carl from The Simpsons: "How 'bout some new oldies, geniuses?"

KISS-tastrophe. I dropped a deuce when I heard this one. Our correspondent in New Jersey reports that his local Best Buy has sold out of the new KISS "Kissology - Volume 1 (1974-1977)" DVD box set, which was released on (skeddy, keeds!) Halloween. Allegedly, they sold 160 copies in two days.

Maybe this one will be on volume two. In this YouTube embedded veddeo from 1979, enjoy Peter Criss and his buddy Johnny Walker Black having some trouble with the words (and, apparently, general theme, tenor, mood, and implications thereof, from, and within) to token chick ballad, "Beth."

Paging Dr. Frood. I dreamed last night that I was at a big party in some kind of barn on a sprawling estate someplace, and I had an embarrassing moment with Keith Richards. Yes, Keith was at the party, and so was Mick. Jagger. There was a pizza on a table, and Keith and I both kept trying to grab the same slice. I'd go for one, and he'd reach at the same time, and then we'd mumble "sorry" and move to another one and the same thing would happen. It was like the pizza equivalent of the awkward hallway dance when you're trying to pass somebody coming from the other direction.

No sir. One time about 10 years ago I was sitting in a crummy apartment next to the projects in Champaign watching a bunch of black gang bangers play Dungeons and Dragons (I shit you not) while I waited for my "friend" to get back with "some used books" I was buying from him. Somebody asked me what I did for a living and I mentioned something about how I used to be a lawyer but I got fed up with the lying bastards. One guy turned to face me and said, "My lawyer got me off of two counts of Murder One. I don't think he was lying to me." I wasn't sure what that meant, but I shut up real fast.

Back in the New York groove. Friend of the Blog "Mr. Jacobson" (or is it "-sen"?; I can never remember) relates that his downstairs neighbor where he used to live in Northwest Edgewater or Southwest Rogers Park or wherever the hell it's called there, used to suffer under the delusion that she was the lover and soulmate of Ace Frehley. That's all there is to this story. Anyway, under the makeup, Ace looks like a Ramone in this veddeo.

They really really hate them. The numero uno Google referral phrase for this blog for the past several weeks has been "I hate meeces to pieces." I wish I had more to say on the subject that I didn't have to look up on Wikipedia to come up with. The subject of Mr. Jinks the cat hating Pixie and Dixie the mice, that is. In their eponymous(e) Hanna-Barbera cartoon, that is. Which was produced from 1958 to 1962 but lived on for decades more in reruns. Featured one of my favorite cartoon voice artists of all time, Daws Butler. (Of course, Mel Blanc was the king, and June Foray and Stan Freberg did great work as well, but I digress. If you don't already know about those people you probably do not care. The Daws Butler wiki-bio is actually worth reading, though. Because I say so.) And then there was also Don Messick, the Baba Looey to Butler's Quick Draw McGraw. And come on, he did Scooby Doo. I mean, not in the Rick Santorum way. OK, maybe I'll just wrap this bullet point up.

By the way. I hate it when people give me or anyone else shit about split infinitives. Everyone except the nuns that taught English to the baby boom generation -- and the people taught by them -- has joined the consensus that they're "unobjectionable." I like what Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary says: "There has never been a rational basis for objecting to the split infinitive." Which is probably why every person I've heard object to them proclaims that they are objectionable because Sister Inguinal Hernia said so.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Celebrity Birthdays, or, Wednesday's Child Is Full of Wooooo

Just a few of the celebrated people born on this date --

Larry Flynt
Anthony Kiedis
Lyle Lovett
Kinky Friedman
Bo Bice (!)
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan (!!!)
Marcia "Simpsons; Bob Newhart Show" Wallace
Rick "one-armed drummer from Def Leppard" Allen
Barbara "Hill Street Blues" Bosson
Jenny "naked blonde chick" McCarthy
Lynne "CNN Headline News" Russell


Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss.

Yep, we here at CBRAT have begun our 40th year on earth, and you can bet we're really pumped. Great. Yeah. Getting closer to death is great, and the time just keeps moving faster and faster. Fantastic.

Not a bad list of celebs, though.