Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Dez Sez: Download My Audio Files or Josephine Baker Will Point Lynndie-England-like at Something Offscreen! Uh, Even Moreso!

I ... I don't think he's kidding!

Dez audio package #1 still available (Rapidshare link, same as a couple posts below), but I think Rapidshare will delete it soon if downloads don't pick up, so I'm pimping it like a monkey some more. Ook ook.

Dez audio! Comedy comedy comedy! Unavailable elsewhere! (Unless you ask him personally for a copy.)


Look, dammit. Ricky Gervais is charging money now for his podcasts. And Dez is at least as goofy ... er, talented ... as Karl Pilkington. So you might as well give this a try -- while it's still free.


A third time for the ADHD sufferers out there:


(Cue incidental music ...)

Meanwhile, across town, on a crowded rooftop:*

Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss: "I don't know, Dez. Posting to my blog is supposed to make me happy. But I'm just depressed."

Dez: "Good old Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss. How I hate him!"

(*for the rooftop who crowds)

UPDATE: DEZ SUGGESTS: I enjoyed the publicity, but the grainy photo of us on the rooftop makes me think it should be captioned with something out of a 1960s Mafia book, as in, "In this FBI photo taken in 1960, Irish Mafia boss 'Dez' is seen conversing with notorious hitman 'Stronger Than Dirt' Pete Moss over their plans to ensure that JFK and Mayor Richard J. Daley win every precinct in Chicago."

UPDATE TWO: STDPM REPLIES: Why not just post the real conversation?

Dez: Hey, Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss --

Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss: Yeah, Dez?

Dez: Remember that one time I wasn't really drunk?

Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss: No.

Dez: Me neither.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Darren McGavin McLeod McDead or McAlive?

Cap'n Stubing dodges another bullet, and does not die. Gopher, that's terrific! Vicky ... that's terrific! Julie ... Doc ... Charo ... terr-rific!

Unfortunately, the Grim Reaper has come for the dad from that ubiquitous chunk of revisionist-nostalgiana, An Xmas Story.

Darren McGavin, RIP

I repeat -- Darren McGavin, dead. Gavin McLeod, alive. I know it's confusing. I've been confused about Gavin McLeod's state of mortality/vitality for nearly 20 years now. But I know one thing -- Murray Slaughter was the best name for a supporting character in a sitcom, ever. Gavin ... you're terrific!

UPDATE: And now Dennis Weaver? So it's ... McGavin McLeod McCloud? And one of them is alive? Forget it. I give up.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Dez: The John Peel Sessions, Part 1

OK. Brass tacks time, and for lowering myself to their level. Easing on down, easing on down to the brass tacks. Becoming funky with the little gold nails. Getting down with the brass tacks. With em & at em, at em & to em. Tune your attitude in. If you fake the brass tacks, your nose will grow.

Speaking of tacks time ... or tax time ... today's featured artist would have wanted it that way. But since he's still alive, we assume we still wants it that way, no "would have" required.

Born April 15, 19??, W.S. "Dez" Dez has left no bridge unburned behind him, no alien un-ated. Dez's place in history would be cemented by the mere fact that bouncers have kicked him out of no fewer than 25 Guided By Voices concerts, if not for the fact that even more remarkable is the fact that Mark E. Smith has kicked him out of The Fall a record 39 times. Which fact is made even more remarkable by the fact that Mark E. Smith never invited him to join up in the first place.

Rousted by the Sergeant Schultzes of contemporary society to a lonely refuge, an abandoned radio shack in a deep, dark forest in the shadow of Mount Washington, New Hampshire, Dez broadcasts to a select listenership. Now, for the first time, some digitized excerpts of the Dez Radio Deztravaganza, Featuring Dez can be made available to an even narrower audience -- the nonexistent readers of this blog.

Rapidshare link below, zip file of 8 mp3s, total of about 16 megs. Sincere attempts were made to avoid copyright infringement. No, really.


A little casino humor

One night, Injun Jack Benny, him get rob. Him get stick up at bow and arrow point.

Injun robber, him say, "You wampum or you life!"

Long time pass, seem like moon. Injun Jack Benny, him no say a word.

Injun robber, him say, "Howww?"

Injun Jack Benny, him say ... "Me thinking."

And also with you

Fuck you, needs of mine! I'm accomodating you to the very minimum! Because you are a pain in the ass!

The Day Mamet Wrote Vaudeville

This is a gun.

Oh, so that's a gun, huh?

That's right. That is a gun.

That's a gun?

That's a gun. And I want you to take it.

You want me to take it?

I want you to take it. And I want you to take it, and I want you to take it to Charlie's house.

To Charlie's house?

To Charlie's house. And I want you to take the gun there.

Take the gun to Charlie's house?

Take the gun to Charlie's house. And when you find Charlie there--

Charlie will be there?

Charlie will be there.

And when you find Charlie, I want you to shoot him.

Shoot Charlie?

Shoot Charlie.

With the gun?

With the gun.

That I brought there?

Yes. Take the gun, go to Charlie's house, find Charlie, and shoot him. With the gun.

Uh. Sure. I can do that. Only one thing.

What's that?

Who's Charlie?

Reform torts, destroy strudels

You know, life insurers will reject you if you are into skydiving as a hobby. Yet, if you were into skydiving as a hobby, and some ass drunken driver killed you on the highway, in your wrongful death suit, your proclivity to jump out of perfectly good airplanes would be a plus, in terms of calculating damages. Because, hey, you loved life! You loved life so much that you cheated it at every opportunity! Fuck you, life! I love you! You magnificent bastard!

A guy's ...

A guy's slightly miffable bowel respectfully suggests to the brain that it maybe shouldn't have eaten a couple items of frozen food given to the person, as a whole, by a certain buddy's goofy wife while she was in the course of cleaning out the freezer, and which seemed to have maybe been a little bit old.

But the brain considers that a witch hunt. That bag of frozen spinach may have been past its peak, in terms of flavor and ... not being encased in ice ness ... and that pot roast TV dinner .... same deal ... but ... that's no reason to attack the frozen food! The frozen food is sound! Rough times may be ahead, but the cause is just, and will shall prevail! OK, Army guys, applaud ... now!