Friday, March 31, 2006

FLASH: Cat Power Named Cubs 4th Starter

No kidding -- Chan Marshall will be taking the bottom spot in the Cubbies' rotation as the season starts with china dolls Mark Prior and Kerry Wood on the 15-day DL.

This is gonna be great. On-the-mound breakdowns aplenty.

Wait ... it's Sean Marshall? Not Chan?


The Joys of a Limited Vocabulary

It's convenient that everybody in the news lately can be described with a single, all-purpose word. Scum.

Right-wingers badmouthing Jill Carroll? Scum.

Tribune Company naming the (formerly) cheap seats at Wrigley Field "The Bud Light Bleachers" for an undisclosed chunk of cash not being spent on shoring up the injury-plagued pitching staff? Scum.

Nino Scalia doing or saying anything at all? Scum, scum, scum.

It's irritating as hell, but at least it's convenient.

UPDATE: People who stand on the sidewalk outside my apartment on the first nice day of the year and scream at each other? You guessed it. Scum.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Mike Rapchak

The last few days have been rough for irreplaceable radio personalities. A few days ago we lost Buck Owens, who along with being a great musician was a radio station owner (KNIX and KESZ in Phoenix and KUZZ in Bakersfield). On Monday, longtime Chicago big-band jazz broadcaster Mike Rapchak died at 85.

They don't make 'em like Rapchak anymore. He famously quit 50,000-watt powerhouse WCFL (AM 1000; originally owned by the Chicago Federation of Labor, the station's slogan for many years was, "The Voice of Labor") on the air in 1965 when it switched to a rock format, only to return in 1978 for CFL's brief era as a "beautiful music" station.

In latter years, he was widely admired for his all-night show on WGN (AM 720, Tribune Company-owned station with the dubious slogan, "The World's Greatest Newspaper"), which he hosted once a week, on Saturdays, until he was forced into retirement in 1995.

In 1978, when I was 10 and my preferred radio hosts ran more along the lines of Larry Lujack and John "Records" Landecker, I thought the initials "BM" should have stood for something other than "beautiful music," but by my college years, in the late 1980s, I knew better.

Many times, in the phase of my life when I could stay up till 9 o'clock in the morning drinking hard liquor and recover by 2 or 3 in the afternoon, Rapchak's tradition of spinning Sinatra's side of "One for My Baby" at 2:45 ("It's a quarter to three ... there's no one in the place, except you and me ...") signaled the beginning of the quieter after-hours portion of the weekend's revelry, when most of the time everyone else had gone home or gone to bed except for Mr. Foojang and myself, gazing contemplatively into our gin cocktails and rhapsodizing on what it meant to be happy, unaware that a few years later, Gen X hipsters were going to co-opt smooth jazz and torch song standards into a sneering, snarky, revisionist "swinger" subculture. (That was a time when we could refer to the "Rat Pack" without digressing into a windy apology of what we didn't mean.)

Rapchak as a broadcaster was so professional, so rooted in the music he loved, that listening to his show was like receiving wisdom in a way that is now virtually extinct.

And his voice was amazing. Ken Nordine's is deeper, WBEZ Sunday afternoon jazz show host Dick Buckley's smokier (and I was too young to remember stentorian legend Franklyn MacCormack), but Rapchak's sonorous, honey-smooth style perfectly suited late nights, and the sad, easy, bittersweet songs of lost love I remember best from his show.

... So set ’em up, Joe
I got a little story
I think you oughta know

We’re drinking, my friend
To the end of a brief episode
So make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Bestest Plans of Unlaid Mice-Like Men Often Go Fershiznit

I know I promised to post some of Dez's "Cap'n Redbeard" bits tonight. And long ago I promised to post some Horseshoe Sandwich. But I'm having some technical difficulties with the sammitch, and the legal department isn't so sure about the Redbeard material. And, for undisclosed reasons, STDPMville is struggling with some agitas this evening, so lets lay the cards on the green felt now and stop hoping to luck into that elusive inside straight on the flop.

In other words, it's Stronger Than Dirt night. Call me Rico, on my own blog, dammit.

The following zip of three small mp3s (less than 2 megs total) contains:

1. Colicky Baby Records and Tapes Corporate Motto, March 2006
2. Wreckless Eric reads Stronger Than Dirt's WFMU pledge message, March 2005
3. Stronger Than Dirt has a mouth-robe malfunction on WFMU, Valentine's Day 2004

The first is kind of a throwaway bit of antipasto. The second is pretty self-explanatory. The third is ... uh ... I meant to do that. Yeah.

(By the way, for those of you who are unfamiliar with Rapidshare, it's pretty simple. Click on the link, then click on the button for free download. Nothing scary will happen. You'll have to wait a few seconds, then type a code in a box, and it'll download. It's totally free, although there is a limit to what you can download from Rapidshare for free before waiting for your allotment to reset. It's safe as milk. Try it.)

Monday, March 27, 2006

Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss Auto-Converses

STDPM1 (Rummaging through pile of change for laundry money) God damn it, I hate nickels.

STDPM2 Oh, I love nickels!

STDPM1 You love nickels? What kind of sick fuck are you?

STDPM2 Nickels? I thought you said Rickles.

Saturday, March 25, 2006


Say haylo to my leetle frenn!

OB and STDPM Review the TV Land Awards

[we join this program already in progress]

STDPM OK ... the muppets have worn me out.

OB Where do they get all that energy?


OB Well, that explains Animal.

STDPM Dr. Teeth, major coke fiend. Rowlf was a junkie. Fozzie was a lush. Piggy took pills. Kermit was a weed head and a chronic masturbator. Gonzo did acid. Scooter sniffed glue. The two old men snorted crushed up laxatives off of little girls' bicycle seats. It was a sick goddamn pile of felt.

OB You should read the Swedish Chef's autobiography. Twisted.

STDPM I tried to listen to that on tape, but it was all, "Bork bork bork! Canola oil orgy! Bork bork! Lactose intolerant cunt monkey! Bork! Carrie Fisher! Bork bork bork bork!" Actually, it wasn't bad at all.

RIP Buck Owens


Friday, March 24, 2006

Spring Break 2006: All Hail The Slut Kings!

Spring Break? Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss never takes a break. Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss also never refers to himself in the third person.

Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss's entire life is Spring Break! (And referral to himself in the third person!)*

I am Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss, and welcome to my happening, which happens to freak me out. Blogging may be stupid, but it don't cost nothing.

Let's take stock. Let's read back the minutes, as it were. Weeeell, in what must be considered a victory for South Dakota's right wing -- judging from the download stats (or lack of them) -- it appears that nobody wants The Abortions. But then it is Spring Break all over America this week, and when the coeds sober up, we at CBRAT have a feeling they'll be changing their minds about that.

O ... K, then. So much for old bidniss. Any new bidniss?

Yes there is, Mr. Robert's Rules Breath. Yes there is!

What we have for yunz today is the long-awaited foisting of Vaguely, Illinois, juggernauts The Slut Kings, to the tune of two ... tunes.

Number one is the medley, "Fire Me/Jesus Had a Dick/Tits," about which little is known.

Number two (or, as we like to say, Number Kitman) is the only verified recording of the entire set of a blistering, malarial performance in the basement of the Masonic Lodge in Sycamore, Illinois (the band's only known foray outside of Vaguely) sometime in 1986 or 1987. Sources conflict on the date -- the mp3 sez 1986, but they, Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss, was there for this peformance ... we thinks ... and 1987 ... well, never mind. Anyway, there they are zipped up for a Rapidshare-served download, only 4.1 megs -- painless! It's one even you 56k fags can enjoy.

Band spokesman and utility infielder Otis Ball says:

"Not much is known about the Slut Kings. They performed masked and were known by numbers. (Slut King #1, Slut King #2, Slut King #3, and Slut King #12.) No info on what happened to Slut Kings #4 - #11."

No info indeed. No info.

Next Time: A Very Special Installment of The Dez Fake Radio Dezstravagana Featuring Dez -- The Best of Cap'n Redbeard

*When you start referring to yourself in the second person, that's when you need to worry. ..... Uh oh.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

"To" is a preposition. "Recap" is a verb.

The excuse for starting this blog was to have a place to post some strange, insane, and entertaining audio files -- and, for a twist, to post only files that I had permission to use.

But over the last few weeks, the yappp has started to plow the audio under, so I thought I'd put together a recap posting, for any "newcommbers."

Dez Radio Dezstravaganza: A Portrait in Portraiture

We started with several samples of fake-radio high weirdness, brought to you courtesy of William Emerson Randolph Carlos Blodgett Van Susteren McGillicuddy Desmond III, Jr., (Dez) who conducts his tape-recorded show in a broom closet in his island cottage off the coast of Maine, where he operates a combination lighthouse/Popeye's Chicken franchise.

1. Eight sample bits by a boy named Dez, from a November 2005 non-broadcast

2. A Very Very Disturbingly Dez Xmas 2005 Special, part 1

3. But Wait There's More, Xmas 2005 part 2 UPDATE: Due to lack of downloads, Rapidshare has deleted this. If anyone wants it, leave a comment to that effect. Otherwise, I'm not going to bother re-uploading it.

and last (for now) and best

4. Long-form meisterbrau, "Those Who Forget Mary Schmich Columns Are Doomed To Repeat Them"

Why Don't You Love Us Mom? The Abortions' Unheard Story

And then, just a couple posts ago, we had a couple shocking and disgusting parcels of unmitigated dreck by St. Charles, Illinois, miscreants, The Abortions. In case you're too lazy to scroll down, here are the links:

1. The Abortions - Do You Want To Be A Housewife

2. The Abortions - Sex Is No Substitute

And that's the recap. Doesn't it seem cooler in the aggregate than you expected it to? I'll take your silence as a yes.

OK ... soon, very soon, I promise on a stack of Celebrity Sleuths to post the Slut Kings. Also, we have meat loaf on special every Monday. You can't order it, but we have it. You can order it on Tuesday. Although we don't have it then.

Soon to be endorsed by Eddie Mekka, the Big Burgoo

Italian Co. Designs Jeans for Muslims - Yahoo! News

I want a pair of these. They sound comfortable. Maybe they can also make some shirts that fit me the way I want -- loose all over, but not so damn gorilloid in the sleeves. And maybe also with a tail that doesn't go to my knees, although I like it when they extend enough to cover the goonadal region, but I digress.

Praise Allah ... or at least Summah. One-ah and a two-ah and a three-ah.

Monday, March 20, 2006

I'm Back! With This Important Message About ... Piles

The White Sox are playing the Kansas City Royals now in pre-season action. The camera just took a shot of hall of famer George Brett, who is working now as a batting coach for the Royals.

Every time I see George Brett on TV or hear his name, I'm reminded of my favorite story about hemorrhoids.

You probably don't recall, but in October 1980, when Brett was playing for the Royals and flirted with a .400 average that season, and the Royals were playing the Phillies in the World Series, Brett was having a big 'roid flareup -- and not in the sense that 'roid has taken to mean today in baseball.

I read a story somewhere, I don't remember where (probably a Playboy interview), where Brett was telling his teammates about the problem and described it this way:

"You know how some guys like it when his girlfriend sticks her finger up his asshole while they're having sex? Put it this way. I won't be trying that anytime soon."


(True story.)


That's what this blog is going on, until I lose my loss of interest in it.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Hey Hey, We're The Abortions

St. Charles, Illinois, wasn't ready. St. Charles wasn't ready in 1982, but maybe the world is ready in 2006.

Maybe now the world is ready for The Abortions.

The Abortions were Little Johnny Abortion (vox), Tiny Tim Abortion (guitar) and The Killer Twins on bass and drums. During a brief (a few months in '81-'82, with a one-off reunion in '86 featuring Tiny Tim and Johnny) but dramatic suburban career that provided enough material to fill three VH-1 specials, The Abortions made only two known recordings—available here and now for download—Do You Want To Be A Housewife, and Sex Is No Substitute. There are roomers ... er, rumors ... of alternate versions and other ephemera, but we'll save those for a future posting, should they come to light.

More trivia. Before retreating into obscurity, unknown quantity and general mystery man Bob Hicks co-wrote Do You Want To Be a Housewife. Showbiz legend Otis Ball produced the band.

In the annals and recctals of punk and other scurrilous rock history, there were yer CBGB's, yer Long Branches, yer basements of the Wesley Foundations. And today you have yer Pitchforks and Souths By Southwesteses. And on 12-31-1982, St. Charles, Illinois, had Punkfest. And Punkfest had The Abortions.

Rapidshare downloads, as usual ... Housewife is about 5 megs; Sex about 2.5.

The Abortions - Do You Want To Be A Housewife

The Abortions - Sex Is No Substitute

Tomorrow Soon: Slut Kings !!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Jesus H. Christ, I Hate the Internet

And I don't even believe in the existence—let alone the divinity—of Mr. C. (So why would I tell him what I hate? Because he listens, that's why!)

Anyone who posts a comment on a blog or other web-based doohickey—I'm lookin' at you, Farkers and Metafilterers ... and it ain't pretty ... good thing I'm horribly nearsighted—asking some shit like "Can someone explain to me why [X movie, comedian, comic strip] is funny?" or yapping some irreleventsia like "I fail to see the humor in [X]" should get a fluorescent tube shoved up his or her urethra and struck with a rubber mallet.

Humor is personal, assholes!

There, I said it. Seriously, there is probably nothing more personal, not even sex, not even noisy, stinky bowel movements. Nonexistent god, I wish people would shut up with that shit.

Tomorrow, Slut Kings, Abortions, and Horseshoe Sandwich, definitely. I came across a cache of Iggy & the Stooges alternate takes on a website which shall remain nameless, and I'm too busy to post crap to my own crap blog now.

Oh yeah, get drunk tomorrow, ya sick fucks. It's your Lenten duty.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Fascist People Suck!

While we're all waiting for the avian thing, the pandemonium virus, the one with the uhh an H in it, I think, and a 5, and maybe an N, we could all be grooving to some fine 1980s midwestern punk mp3s as we take inventory of our canned tuna and powdered milk supplies and re-acquaint ourselves with spraypainting perfect circle-As on stuff as a fruitless gesture of defiance ... except that I'm too exhausted to post them today, and I, officially an old man, am going to bed early. Without my beer, even.

I'm exhausted by reason of fascism. Yunz have worned me out, fascist mutherfuckers.

But soon, maybe even tomorrow, I'm gonna make available for the virtually apathetic public—that includes YOU!—some ultra-rare live numbers by blink-and-you-missed-em-and-too-bad-for-you-blinky St. Charles and DeKalb IL powerhouses, The Abortions and Slut Kings. And maybe even some more recent Libertypudlian material, namely, the big hit single by Horseshoe Sandwich, too, if the fascismists give a guy half a break, with the outrage-inducement and the infuriation.

In addition, perhaps more Photoshopped unflattering self-portraits. But probably not.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Stronger Than Four Things Meme ... Pete Moss

Okey dokey, Feral Mom, I'll play.

Four jobs I've had:

1. Golf course tractor operator (best)
2. Law firm associate (worst)
3. Copy editor (grew into a career, sort of)
4. Third-shift motel desk clerk (sorta sleazy)

Four movies I can watch over and over:

1. Dr. Strangelove
2. Swimming to Cambodia
3. The Big Lebowski
4. Repo Man

Four places I've lived:

1. Gurnee, IL
2. DeKalb, IL (underrated!)
3. Ottawa, IL (yuck)
4. Chicago, IL

Four places I've been on vacation:

1. Portland, OR
2. Hawaii (Big Island)
3. Santa Fe, NM
4. Branson, MO (horrible beyond belief)

Four websites I visit daily:

1. Robot Wisdom
2. Chicago Sun-Times
3. WFMU Blog
4. Crooks and Liars

With most honorable mention to Bedazzled, with its most awesomest recent post here, an amazing Quicktime movie featuring the Shangri Las (hyperbolically recommended):

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Shawarma sammitch (w/ beer)
2. BBQ pork banh mi sammitch (w/ beer)
3. Eye-talian beef sammitch (w/ beer)
4. Chili (any kind, w/ lots of beer)

Four places I'd rather be:

1. At any given moment, I'd rather be in the kitchen, cooking something. Or washing the dishes. I know that's insane, but both things relax me.
2. U.S. Cellular Field (formerly Comiskey Park, home of the White Sox)
3. Somebody's back yard or back porch in Chicago in the summer on a warm evening, adjacent to the beer cooler but also not so far from the grill
4. Foster Ave. Beach
(I have a pretty limited range.)

I don't really know a lot of blog people I'd feel comfortable "tagging" ... I'd ask Mr. Foojang, but he's a busy, busy man. So I gotta punk out on the last one.

To the Democratic Party

Kiss my hairy pale ass.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Leave the Gun, Take the Lutefisk ... No, on Second Thought, Leave the Lutefisk, Too

According to an FBI dossier, Swedish mafia enforcer Tommy "Yowls" Nelsson likes television. Ya sure, you betcha.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

To All Republicans

Bite me.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Dezzy Schmecch Sez: Everybody's Free to Wear Soylent Green

Mary Schchchmichsifhcisdfhschchch and Baz Luhrmann, eat your hearts out! That is, if even Baz Luhrmann remembers who Baz Luhrmann is.

There's much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much more Dez audio to come, including some dial-up-friendly (i.e., small) tracks in the days ahead. But for now, enjoy this long-form Deztastic paro-dez-y, "Everybody's Free to Wear Soylent Green."

Rapidshare link to one mp3 file, approx. 19 megs in size, 16 minutes 49 seconds in duration, 100% madness in insanity.

Stronger Than Grease Squiggy Moss sez "You want it, bub!"

SNEAK PREVIEW: Also on the menu for future posts are RARE tracks by Northern Illinois flavorites Abortions and Slut Kings. Get excited now, beat the rush.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

"New" Dez: 2005 X Mas Cavalcade

I know early March is probably the worst time of the year to post some Christmas-related fake-radio dramedy, but if I wait until December, there will be two tapes' worth to post, which ... screw that, I'm union.

Join Dez, Cap'n Redbeard, the Prissy Minion, and all the usual crew for a Yuletide celebration.

For the track listing, grab this tiny text file:

The show itself is bundled into two zipped files of a bunch of mp3s each, one about 21 megs, one about 17 megs.