Wednesday, May 10, 2006

And We're Back

It's the little things about Canada that are weird. Like they don't call the candy Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, they call it Reese. Simply Reese. And they pronounce Chrysler with a z sound, like "Chryzler." Plus, them Canadians is all goofy, like walking stereotypes. They're all, like, vaguely dorky and goofy talking, like less-funny Kids in the Hall characters. All the men have bushy eyebrows and the women are very serious looking. All that politeness confused me. Aside from one teamster (there's a universality for you), nobody was hostile to me.

And the TV. I never didn't watch so much hockey on TV in my life. And they really have those little documentaries about animals, like "the noble Canadian beavre builds its dam, eh, and pronounces syllables different than beavers in the states. (repeat in French)"

Heh. Do me a favour, any neighbours to the north who read this, and don't take offence. I'm just joking, eh? You all seem very centred up there.

People often compare Toronto to Chicago, but aside from its also being located on a Great Lake, I didn't see it. They don't look or feel similar at all, in my opinion. The differences go both ways -- Toronto seemed a lot smaller and more civil and manageable than Chicago, but also kind of dingy and rinky dinky. That CN tower thing is ugly, and the Rogers Centre is kind of a nasty pile of dull concrete. Not that Chicago isn't filled with all sorts of brutality against aesthetics that I didn't see there. And a place can't possibly be like Chicago without a Walgreens on every goddamn corner. Which ... you decide if that's good or bad.

But mostly my trip was like something I would title, "Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss Stars in 'Elling's Canadian Vacation,'" except that it wasn't a vacation, it was a business trip. But the dialogue would go something like this:

Elling Moss: What's the point of having a hotel room if you have to leave it all the time? Let's just stay here and watch "House" on Buffalo's Fox affiliate. How nice of them to have American network TV!

Djirt Bjarne: But Elling Moss! We have to eat! I'm fucking hungry!

Elling Moss: We can order room service again, Djirt Bjarne. Only you have to call. You know I hate talking into those plastic devices.

Djirt Bjarne: All right, Elling Moss. We'll eat room service again. But I have to tell you, that was not the best fucking steak sandwich I have ever eaten.


Feral Mom said...

Awesome. The CN Tower *is* ugly, and sways in a strong breeze in a most disconcerting fashion. And Kjell Barne and Elling war within me as well--though my propensity for banging my head against things and drinking wine straight from the bottle suggests Kjell Barne is winning.

Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss said...

Hey, FM. Nice to hear from you.

On my work-at-home days, such as today, I tend to skew more Kjell Bjarneward myself, in terms of failure to bathe.

My pretend social worker says I should get going, it's already past 10 o'clock, but I told him to bugger off and stopped pretending he existed. That's Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss's contribution to the equation -- a passive-aggressive form of imaginary hostility.