Friday, May 18, 2007

North Battles South for "Who's Crappier" Bragging Rights

It's "Crosstown Classic" weekend again ... which means, instead of two crappy ballgames to follow each day, just one. They should call it the "Bad Baseball Efficiency Series." This weekend could mark the very first time in over 130 years of baseball history that a team wins by a score of negative-3 to negative-6.

Other predictions:

•Lou Piniella's freakishly gigantic jaw explodes in a burst of pent-up rage, and Ozzie Guillen finally admits that even he has no idea what the hell he is saying when he attempts English.

•Michael Barrett receives a standing ovation when he punches Ryan Dempster in the face for no particular reason. Just kidding -- there are plenty of reasons.

•Paul Konerko hits into four quadruple-plays in a single at-bat, taking care of innings 2 through 6 and 1/3 of 7. Riots break out in the bleachers when the beer vendors declare "Last Call" at 1:37.

•Drunken louts from Sports Corner Bar and Murphy's Bleachers meet by chance on Sheffield Avenue, fall in love, mate, and produce a super-obnoxious hybrid strain of Uber-Lunkhead, who are dispatched to Iraq by the Bush administration, immediately causing the Sunni insurgents to pack up and move to Edison Park to get the hell away from the puking, screaming, urinating, backwards-baseball-hat-wearing, Dave-Matthews-listening infidel scourge. Sure, there's nothing to do in Edison Park, but, by Allah's beard ... these Cubs fans are worser than a bad case of sand fleas, even.

This thread to be continued ...

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