This Just In: Baseball Players Are Wussies

As you may have noticed, I like baseball. It reminds me of summer vacations and all that nice childhoody kinda crap. But the early weeks of the season always suck, because spring doesn't start in Chicago until ... never. And most Aprils I somehow find myself attending a game or two at Wrigley Field (er, "SMonkey Field" ... see below) -- which is, science tells us, the coldest place on earth. I have frozen my hiney off at a lot of ballgames, including a World Series game in Pittsburgh in 1979 at the second coldest place on earth, the now-non-extant Three Rivers Stadium. It's painful to endure winter weather for an outdoor summer sport.

But this is just ridiculous:

Friday's scheduled game between the White Sox and the Minnesota Twins has been postponed due to the extremely cold temperatures and winds in the weather forecast.

Aww ... widdle miwwionaiwes might get chiwwy and fweeze dem's widdle pee-pees.

OK, maybe management just figures nobody will show up and they'll lose a ton of money on lost beer sales and parking fees. Or maybe they just realized that the Sox have no pitching this season. It stands to reason -- although they'll never admit it. It wouldn't do to say, "Tonight's game postponed due to the high probability of severe sucking by the home team." This kind of candor could only lead to the inevitable late-September announcement, "Game canceled due to lack of interest."

Not that the Sox don't have any strengths in '07. Hell, they might win 8 or 10 games just from A.J. Pierzynski pretending to get hit by pitches.