Monday, April 14, 2008

"He hates these cans!"

This just in:

Malcolm X College was evacuated Monday morning after a threat was found written on a bathroom wall, a City Colleges of Chicago spokeswoman said.

It's starting to look like all schools with an "X" in their names should think about closing for a while, preemptively.

Or else ... maybe the solution is to eliminate bathroom walls. If you can't get rid of the underlying problem, get rid of the medium for expressing that problem.

It worked for the Illinois penitentiary system after the infamous Richard Speck "boob job, blowjob, and coke party" tapes were exposed by Bill Kurtis about 12 years ago. The answer to that public relations debacle: Ban and seize all the inmates' camcorders (which had the unfortunate side effect of setting back American indie cinema for untold years, not to mention all the potential YouTube prison insanity we're missing out on). So, for all we know, Stateville is still fulla big tits and blow, but if nobody sees it, it might as well not exist.

Therefore -- get rid of the bathroom walls, Academe! Isn't the expression "Groves of Academe," anyway? So the kids can shit in the woods, with the bears and the Pope. Although that would just lead to a lot of threats carved into trees with jackknives. OK, everybody can just shit in a trench in the middle of the quad then. Problem solved!

Do college kids shit in the quad? In the near future, they do.

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