Friday, September 28, 2007

From blurst to blursterstest: the "Hey, get a room, if you're gonna clinch each other all over the place, you Cubs" edition

The Cubs only have 84 wins, with two left to play. That wouldn't get them better than third place in any other division. But they only won 66 last year at all, and finished in last place. So that's how those cookies crumble ... or reverse crumble ... from crumbs ... into cookies. Or something.

They were in last place for a bit this year, too, I think. Or damn near. For much of the first half of the year, they reeked real bad. Then they seemed to have a turnaround at some point, after some crazy shit happened, fistfights in the locker room, Lou Piniella getting suspended for kicking dirt on an umpire ... but they still seemed to mostly suck to me. They were not often a fun team to watch until August, as I recall, when they did get it together for a while.

They're a mess. They shouldn't get far in the playoffs. Pitching is spotty, offense is erratic and prone to withering droughts. The team plays very bad fundamentals -- too many errors, too many baserunning mistakes. Bad bunting. Dumb plays.

They had five catchers over the course of the year. Unless I'm forgetting anybody. Michael Barrett, initially the starting catcher, was traded away for nothing after it became clear that he couldn't get along with Lou (or ace pitcher Carlos Zambrano, who put Barrett in the hospital with a face beating); Henry Blanco, who was injured most of the year; Koyie Kill, a minor leaguer promoted to fill Blanco's spot and who got a lot more playing time than expected; Jason Kendall, a veteran acquired from Oakland to fill the gap, but who never really seemed particularly useful, with his crappy arm and lousy bat; and Geovany Soto, another rookie, who turned out to be real hot on defense and swing solid lumber, and turned into a fan fave. That's a lot of goddamn backstops. The story of the Cubs catchers alone is some fucked up dysfunctional soap opera. As was right field, the leadoff position, second base, center field, shortstop, left field, ... and the batting lineup in general. And Carlos Zambrano. He was a walking, stalking, stomping, howling, windmill-tilting "All My Children" unto himself.

So it's a puzzler, Columbo, as to how this team can hope to keep it going. But, hey, the Cardinals last season were pretty fucked up, pretty much written off for dead, and they won the World Series. They only won 83 goddamn games in the regular season, and everyone, myself included, expected the Tigers to sweep them in a laffer.

Therefore, the Cubs are guaranteed to win the World Series this year. This is the year. You were here. There is zero percent chance of disaster this time. "Disappointment" is not even listed in the 2007 Merriam-Webster Cubs Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language and Baseball Terminology. We can't lose!

1 comment:

Don West said...

Cubs/Yankees series.