Sunday, February 03, 2008

Guest Commentary: The Return of Bob Greene

We knew this day would come. We knew that, eventually, disgraced ex-newspaper-columnist and serial Nightline appearer Bob "Bob" Greene would live down the ignominy of his being forced from the words-for-pay business due to his long history of obnoxious horndoggin' catching up with him. We knew that, someday, Bob Greene would be back.

That day has, in fact, as we knew it would, finally, at last, at this time, as of now, come. In response thereto, we have a guest review of the first installment of Bob Greene's "Bob Greene Across America" (featuring Bob Greene, as told to Bob Greene, to be filed in the index of posterity under "Greene, Bob"), courtesy of CBRAT's official mascot, Des "Dez" Desmodeus, in the form of a short series of excerpts from an email conversation between Dez and yours "STDPM" truly.

STDPM writes:

I just learned that Bob Greene is back in print ... or web ... or something:

Dez replies:

...and still rehashing the same column he's been recycling for 60 years. The old chestnut "Oh, it's that evil FM radio, uh I mean boomboxes, uh I mean cassette playing Walkmans, uh I mean I-pods, uh I mean (insert new technology) that's keeping each of us in a cocoon." And are you trying to share that cocoon with an unsuspecting college intern, Mr. Bob Greene? I particularly enjoyed his line, "And she departed without saying a word of farewell. And why should she? We didn't exist." Maybe it's just you that's dead to her, Bob, not everyone in the universe. How do you get paid to project being ignored on an elevator into an indictment on 21st century America? Maybe she was able to read you as transparently as one of your worthless columns and could actually see you burning the comment "I told Curtis to bring some alcohol" into your memory cells and already scheming to somehow work your way into whatever shenanigans she had planned.

But he wasn't done yet ...

Dez replies some more:

Okay, I re-read the article again and can't believe I missed Bob's signature, "and, me, your humble reporter from the Midwest." Bob, you're 96 fucking years old! How can you still walk around with your "Well, I'm just a simple Midwestern boy who doesn't understand this high-falutin' 'technology' or people from 'the city', 'cause I come from an overgrown cow town where people used to be simple and would bowl together before things slightly changed in society 212 years ago." Ugh.

Welcome back, Bob. Good luck.

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