Sunday, November 19, 2006

"If I Didn't Do It (And I Didn't) Here's How I Didn't Do It," by Axl Rose as not told to Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss

After nearly ten years of promising that the album "Chinese Democracy" is just about to be released, Axl Rose has become the preeminent master of making a career out of not getting stuff done. And after the recent cancellation of a Guns 'N' Roses show due to safety officials' concern about the proximity of stage pyrotechnics to the band's firewater, Axl has begun plowing new fertile ground in the rich earth of celebrity inactivity.

Now, hot on the heels of much media hype for O.J. Simpson's new book, "If I Did It, Here's How I Did It (Psst, I Totally Did It)," offered here as a CBRAT exclusive are some excerpts from the ultimate "Where's Chinese Democracy?" story, "If I Didn't Do It (And I Didn't) Here's How I Didn't Do It," by Axl Rose as not told to Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss, soon not to be published by anyone.

Chapter One

The fire marshals have taken away my booze. This interview is over.

Chapter Two through Chapter Seventeen


Chapter Eighteen

Another day in the studio. Be a good man and pass the heroin.

Chapter Nineteen


Chapter Twenty

Wore out my tenth vinyl copy of Ethel Merman's Greatest Hits looking for vocal inspiration.

Chapter Twenty-One

The dry cleaners lost my favorite bandana. Chinese Dumbasscracy.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Totally stuck. Should there be three "whoa whoa whoa"'s or four in the chorus?

Chapter Twenty-Three

Passed a KFC on the way to the studio. Reminded me of Buckethead. Called off the session.

Chapter Twenty-Four

"Do you know where the fuck you are?!" Long story short, I didn't.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Mind totally blown by realization that my name is an anagram of "Oral Sex."

Chapter Twenty-Six through Chapter Thirty-Three


Chapter Thirty-Four

Slash came over to tell me Billie Joe Armstrong still wets the bed.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Spent the day in the batting cage with Mike Piazza. Failed to learn to lay off the high heat.

Chapter Thirty-Six

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa." No, that's too many. Back to the drawing board.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

The fire marshals have taken away my drawing board. Fuck it. I give up.

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