"Hot Stove" News: "Everybody Get Yer Hankies Cuz We Only Talk Wankees"

So ... one thing has already happened this year. The newest bastard child of Bud Selig -- the MLB Network -- a whole channel about professional United States of American baseball, in case you hadn't guessed -- or noticed it, since it's way way way up in the five-digit channel numbers, right next to such powerhouses as "The Albanian Folk Dance Channel," "The Arts and Crafts by Mutes, for Mutes, Network (TAACBMFMN)," and "C-SPAN 2" -- has finally sprung into life on the cable television, over by there. If you call that living. I guess I could wait until the season starts before I start bitching about it, but why? I'm not waiting until Inauguration Day to bitch about Obama's rocket-powered Cannonball-Run-like "drift" to the right. And I see no reason to treat pre-baseball MLB-related television programming any differently.

Of course, their current pre-actual-baseball-season flagship programme is called "Hot Stove." I haven't gotten any cease and desist letters or any other forms of threat due to my mockery of the trademark, but maybe if I try real hard, I will.

Anyway, here's my impression of MLB Network's "Hot Stove" (cable) televisual showcase:

This just in! Derek Jeter had Chinese for lunch today! This just in! Hank Steinbrenner farted this morning and made his personal assistant take the blame! This just in! Joe Girardi was spotted at a Manhattan nightclub last night with a booger in his nose that he didn't seem to realize was visible, and nobody felt socially bold enough to tell him!

This just in! Yankees, Yankees, Yankees!

YankeesYankeesYankeesYankeesYankees!!!!!
YankeesYankeesYankeesYankeesYankees!!!!!
YankeesYankeesYankeesYankeesYankees!!!!!
(huff huff huff huff ... deep breath)
YankeesYankeesYankeesYankeesYankees!!!!!

Oh yeah, and something called "Red Sox" exist, too. Strange world we live in.

But, mostly ... YAANNNKEEEEEEEEES!!!

(Then the out-of-breath sports-dork host drops dead on the spot, and an old Arte Johnson looking dude in NYY pinstripes waddles onto the set and sweeps his body up. Credits. The end.)

The best thing about it is that it's re-run about six times a day, so -- in case you missed their in-depth coverage of every waking moment of every employee of the New York Fucking Yankees, and every inch traveled by every penny of every one of the uberkaboodleplex million dollars they will spend in 2009 -- you have plenty of chances to catch up.

CATCH UP ON THE HOT STOVE NEWS ABOUT THE NEW FUCKING YORK FUCKING YANKEES!!! EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR, PLUS AGAIN EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES, OVERLAPPING!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

In short: No sir, I don't like it.